Zell and the inevitable truth (well not really)
by The Fork Dork
Summary: Zell's waiting for something and no one knows what it is, and when it comes, everyone is entitled for a surprise! Rinoa goes crazy, Irvine get OCD and Raijin get really confused. I.E: ***CHAOS!!!!*** CHAPTER 2 IS UP!
1. Zell's wait

Chapter one: "Zell's Wait"

Chapter one: "Zell's Wait"

"Zippity do dah! Zippity yay! My oh my my what a beautiful day!!!" Selphie was skipping through the halls of Balamb Garden while clicking her heels. "Plenty of sunshine! Heading my way! Zippity…" she abruptly stopped and fell over. Zell was apparently sitting on the front steps as she was skipping down. "Zell, do you have to sit there, where people are walking!!!!"

"Sorry Selph, but I gotta wait here," he said as he slouched down.

"For what?" 

"You'll see." 

"Come on Zell! Tell me! Puh-lease!!!" 

"No, you'll find out soon enough…"

"Please! With cherries and um…hot dogs?"

"I'd say yes to the hot dogs, but I know that you don't got any."

"Ah man!!! Why can't you tell me?"

"Because you'll find out when it arrives."

"What arrives?"

"You'll find out."

"AHHH!!! You can't leave me hanging like this!!!! I hate these kinds of surprises!!!" 

"Well, you'll have to grin and bear it." 

"Hmph," Selphie fell on her behind and started to pout like a little child. "Zell, you're a meanie…Oh well!" She jumped back up and started to skip again. "I'm walking on Sunshine!! Whoa-OH! La la la la la la!!!" And Zell still waited. 

* * *

A few hours later…

Raijin came walking down the steps. 

"Hey Zell. Wait a second…Why are you sitting here?" he asked. 

"You'll see." 

"Uh Okay. I'll just here with you…hey! Why are we waiting here again?"

"I can't tell you just yet."

"How come?"

"I'll tell you when it comes."

"What comes? When? Who are you? Where am I?! Where's Fujin? I get confused when I'm not around her, ya know? Why…am…I?"

"?!" Zell thought.

"Oh no!!! FUUUUUUUJJJJJJIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!! I'm getting all confused again, ya know?!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!" Raijin ran away crying.

"That was really disturbing…" Zell thought as he gave a sweatdrop, and still he waited.

* * *

Another few hours later…

"Hey Zell." It was Squall. He had been moping around the Garden as usual. He plopped his rear down next to Zell.

"'sup Squall?!" 

"Why are we sitting here?" Squall asked in a monotone as he always did.

"You can't know yet."

"Oh."

"Hey Zell, do you want to go chuck rocks at stuff at Obel Lake?" 

"Uh…no thanks Squall. I kinda have to wait here."

"Well, uh gotta go…hehe." Squall began to break in a nervous sweat. As he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him. 

"That was weird." When Squall was out of sight, Rinoa came running up.

"SQUALLY WALLY DOO!!! WHERE ARE YOU???!!!" She stopped near where Zell was sitting. "Zell, do you know where Squall went? He was here just a few seconds ago," she asked him as she scratched her head. 

"Uhhh, I dunno." 

"Hmph." Rinoa fell on her ass next to Zell in disappointment. "Squall ran away. WEAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She started to bawl, really really loud. Waterfalls of tears dumped out of her eyes.

"Oh no!!!" Zell thought as he tried to make her stop crying. "Stop crying Rinoa! You're getting me *Blub* all, *Blub* Wet!!! AHHH!! I'm drowning, stop it!!!"

"*sniff* Sorry Zell *sniff*." Rinoa had finally stopped crying. "*sniff*, WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Or not… "It's not fair!!!! WAEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" With that she ran away along with her obnoxious crying and ludicrously big tear glands.

"Darn, I feel sorry for Squall," Zell thought as he gave another sweatdrop, and he still waited.

* * *

The next day…

Zell had spent the night at the front steps, just in case his "surprise" was coming in. Then Irvine passed by. 

"Hey Zell…How's it…Oh Boy!!"

"What? What's wrong?"

"Its you…you smell, really really bad! Whooooo that's strong!"

"Well, I haven't taken a shower since well, um…since ever actually." Zell looked up above his head as he thought.

"Why am I only noticing this now?" Irvine eyes were tearing up as he held his nose. 

"I dunno, o wait!" Zell reached inside his pockets and handed Irvine two handfuls of Green….moldy…fuzzy…and not to mention smelly hot dogs. "I keep these around for, I dunno, good luck I guess. I think they're spoiled. Whatever you do, don't eat those. Hot Dogs don't taste good when they've been around a year or so." 

"AHHH!!! Ew ew ew ew EW!!! I feel dirty so dirty AHHH!!!" Irvine ran away, dropping the hot dogs on the floor. "AHHH!" he screamed as he jumped into the fountain. 

"What's wrong with him? Oh well." Zell still waited.

* * * More hours pass…

Quistis comes walking down the stairs. She notices Zell and sits next to him. 

"Hey Zell, What ya doing?"

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"Stuff." 

"How long have you been sitting here?"

"About a day and a half."

"Oh my god!!! Sell, if you don't move, your behind with leave a permanent mark on the concrete!!!"

"Well, I'm not moving."

"WHAT? You have to!!!"

"No I don't."

"Oh yes you do." Quistis started to pull on Zell's arm trying to pull him up. "You're vandalizing Garden property!!" She screamed as she tried to tug him up, but Zell was still winning this tug of war. "Come on Zell…*Ugh* get *Ugh* UP!!!"

"No, no, no, Quisty. I like it right here." Quistis lost her grip on Zell's hand and fell flat on her ass. 

"Owww!! That really hurt," she muttered as she rubbed her butt. "Excuse me while I give the   
Infirmary a visit. With that, she ran away.

"Aw…yes. Finally some peace and quiet."

~*~*~*~*~*

Eight that night… 

The whole gang was sitting in the cafeteria. Squall sat next to Rinoa. Selphie sat next to Irvine across from Squall and Rinoa. Surprisingly, Fujin and Raijin were there sitting next to both couples. Quistis was also there, she was sitting on a pillow and was stroking her poor little behind. Rinoa was occupied with poking Squall with a fork. 

She poked him…

"Ow, stop it."

And again…

"Ow stop it"

And again.

"Ow stop it."

And again.

"Ow stop it."

And again

"Ow stop it." 

And so on.

Selphie was trying to comfort Irvine. "Irvy, did you really have to take a shower with all your clothes on like that?" Irvine sat there soaking wet: Hat, Coat, boots, and all. 

"I feel so dirty. Need…more…shower!!!" He started to sweep imaginary spider webs away from his coat.

"Irvy! Stop it, you're really disturbing me!!!" Poor Irvine broke into tears on Selphie's lap. 

Raijin was still confused from yesterday.

"Where am I? Who are you? What time is the..uh..Horsies?" Fujin whapped him on the back side of the head.

"IDIOT!!!" 

"Huh? What's an Idiot? My name's not Idiot, It's Louise. Wait…AHHH!! Confused!!!" Fujin whacked him again, this time even harder. 

"RAGE!!!!"

"Welcome to it's a nutty nut world can I take your order?"

"AHHHH!!!!" she whapped him again.

"Ya know that I know that she knows that we know that us know that he knows that they know?"

"DAMN YOU!!!!!!" This time she whacked him so hard that he fell out of his chair. 

"Whoa thanks, I needed that, ya know? Thanks Fuji-pooh!!"

"RAGE!!!!" She slapped him yet again.

When the Chaos couldn't get worst, Zell finally ran in. He was dancing around singing,

"It's heeere! It's heeere!! It's finally here!!!!" 

"Huh?!?!" everyone said in unison. They all followed Zell who had ran out of the cafeteria. He stopped at the Front gate. There, A giant dump truck that was full of what else but hot dogs was parked in the driveway. A weird Pat Sajak like guy was with a microphone, a couple of spot lights and some showgirls dressed in big feather headdresses.

"Are you Zell Dincht?!" 

"yes!" Zell squealed.

" Congratulations! Mr. Dincht you are the winner of "the Esthar Hot Dog Co.'s" Hot Dog sweepstakes!!!" 

"Yippee!!" Zell jumped up and down like a little girl.

"And your prize is…A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF HOT DOGS!!!!!!!" 

"OH………MY……..GOD!!!!!!!" Zell gave out a yelp as he fainted. 

The next morning…

Everyone had gathered at their usual table in the cafeteria eating breakfast. Rinoa was poking Squall with a spork as usual, and Squall said "Ow, stop it." after every time she did it. Everyone was busy eating their meals. Then Zell walked sat down with them. 

"Hey guys! Dang, that was the best night I ever had…" Everyone looked up at Zell.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!" they all shouted in unison.

"What?" Zell was absolutely clueless…

__

~ Well, that was the first chapter of my completely chaotic fic. Chapter is coming up in a short while. Unlike all of my other fics, this is not a romance nor is it based on a song. It's just pure Chaos. Please review. If you don't then I will track you down and kill you…j/k. So please review please..Or Else ^.^_V This goes out to Joanne and Wendy: That was weird huh? Welps, more to come soon! _


	2. What happened to Zell!!!!!!

Oh My god ****

~ Oh My god!!! Is that Zell? ~

By: Wilted Rose

__

~ okay, here's the 2nd chapter to my other fic "Zell's Wait" If you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do cause this part will not make any sense if you don't. Okay? Okay!!! Well, yea. I finally finished this part. Chapter 3 will be up soon. I hope it takes less time to write than this one. What can I say? I was too lazy. Hehe Enjoy and chapter 3 will be up soon!

****

Zell: What? What's wrong? Is it my stench? Hey! I changed my lucky hot dogs yesterday!!! Zell sniffed his armpit. And I took a shower this morning!!!!

****

Everyone in the Cafeteria: Um, Er... Everyone had this nervous look on their face that in turn made Zell turn a bit shaky. 

__

Then a brave Squall stood up and opened his mouth. 

****

Squall: BURRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

****

Fujin: SIT!!!! IDIOT!!!! Fujin knocked Squall off his feet , rendering him unconscious. "ZELL!!!! YOU! FAT!!!"

****

Zell: WHAT???? Zell was really panicked. He ran around trying to take a look at his butt. Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? he chased his imaginary tail. Everyone sweat dropped. He continued to run around in circles.

__

Quistis sat up and handed Zell full-length mirror, though she wasn't sure where she had gotten it from. 

****

Everyone: How did you fit that… 

****

Quistis: I dunno. 

__

Zell peered into the mirror to see a three hundred-pound man staring back. His many folds of blubber leaking out of his clothes.

****

Zell: OH MY GOD!!! Why am I so fat?

****

Selphie: Zell, did you eat ALL of those hot dogs that guy gave you last night? 

****

Zell: NO!!! Of course not! He jumped up as his whole body jiggled. I left one or two 'cause I was sleepy. 

****

Everyone: sweatdrop

* * *

Later that evening….

__

Squall and Selphie knocked on Zell's dorm door. 

****

Selphie: Zell!! Open uppppppppppppp!!! Ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong!!!!!! Selphie was literally yelling her heart out. DING-DONG! 

****

Innocent bystander: SHUT UP! His head peeked out of his dorm.

****

Selphie: UP YOURS!!! Selphie flicked him off. 

****

Innocent bystander (which by the way is named Hubert): So, you wanna fight huh? 

****

Selphie: Yeah, wanna piece of me? I'll take you on! 

__

Hubert stomped out of his Dorm to reveal a seven-foot tall dude with a very muscular build. 

****

Squall: Um…Selphie…hehe. 

****

Selphie: Squall shut up. Selphie smacked him in the back of the head 

****

Squall: Ow!

****

Selphie: Yeah, come here and fight me like a man, Chump! 

__

Hubert walked up to Selphie, she barely came up to his chest. 

****

Hubert: I will! He wound up a punch 

__

Then…*WHAMO*! Selphie hit him squarely between the eyes with her nunchaku, knocking the living daylights out of him. He fell onto the floor with little yellow duckies flying around his head.

****

Squall: YOU GO GIRL! he quickly covered his mouth 

****

Selphie: What did you just say?

****

Squall: Um…nothing.

****

Selphie: Teehee…for a moment I thought you said… She was abruptly interrupted by Squall, who quickly covered her mouth.

****

Squall: Yes, our minds do play tricks on us.

****

Selphie: Oh…teehee!

__

A sound of a door creaking open came to their ears. It was Zell, he opened the door just a crack, peering out.

****

Selphie: Hey Zell! Wanna go to the training center with me and Squally? 

****

Zell: Er…it's okay.

****

Selphie: Come on!!! Please!!!

****

Zell: No.

****

Selphie: Pretty please!!!!!

****

Zell: No.

****

Squall: ….. 

****

Selphie: At least let us in!!!!!

****

Squall: ….

****

twZell: Fine, but don't turn on the li…

****

Selphie: What did you say? Selphie switched on the lights of Zell's dark dorm. 

****

Zell: Selphie!!!

****

Squall: !!!!! 

__

Zell was standing there head to toe in vertical stripes. A vertical striped Muumuu, hat and sneakers.

****

Selphie (valley girl like): FASHION EMERGENCY!!!! 

****

Squall: What in the hell are you trying to do???. He had never seen anything so ugly. 

****

Zell: I heard that vertical stripes make you look slimmer. I think its working don't you think? He did a little pose in the mirror. 

****

Selphie and Squall: Er…I guess *cough cough* 

****

Zell: Thanks you guys!!!

****

Squall: Um…Zell how about we go train in the training center. It'll do you some good. 

****

Zell: Er…it's okay, really! I'm not in the mood for training.

****

Selphie: Come on Zell! Let's go burn some major calories!!!! 

__

Selphie pulled Zell out of his Dorm, skipping all the way, and stepping on Hubert's oblivious masses. 

* * *

****

Selphie: Come on Zell! Let's go kick some major Grat BUTT!!! Selphie jumped around waving her nunchaku in the air. Zell, on the other hand, was utterly out of breath.

****

Zell: Hold *huff* on *puff*…One *huff puff* Sec *huff*… He bent down and tried to grab his knees, but he couldn't. Instead, he fell over on his back and hugged his sides. Ow! Side Cramp! 

****

Squall: This is worst than I thought. Zell are we ready to go yet?

****

Zell: No wait. Let me *huff puff* catch my *huff puff* breath. 

__

The hours passed….

****

Zell: One more minute… 

__

By then Selphie and Squall didn't care anymore, they had both fallen asleep. Squall was then awakened by Zell poking him with a stick.

****

Zell: Squally, can you help me up? I'm having…hehe… a little trouble here.

****

Squall: Sure *UGH* Zell. 

__

Zell got back onto his feet and poked Selphie with a stick

****

Selphie: Ow, stop it.

****

Zell: Selphie wake up. Zell poked her again

****

Selphie: Ow, stop it

****

Zell: C'mon Selphie!

****

Selphie: Ow, stop it.

__

He poked her again, this time harder.

****

Selphie: Ow, stop it.

****

Squall (to himself): Not this again… he covered his face with his hand. 

__

Zell poked her again.

****

Selphie: Ow, stop it.

****

Zell: Selphie! If you don't get up…I'll…I'll sit on you!!!!

****

Selphie: Huh! I'm up, I'm up! What's up? Please don't kill me!

****

Squall: Let's go kick some Grat Butt!!!!!!!! he quickly covered his mouth

****

Selphie and Zell: What did you just say? 

****

Squall: Er…nothing.

****

Selphie: Um…okay…Let's go kick some Grat Butt!!! Selphie waved her nunchaku in the air like before. 

****

Zell: Look there's one now!!! 

__

Soon they were engaged in a battle with the largest and ugliest Grat any of them had every seen. The Grat whipped Zell with its vines. The attack bounced off Zell's many layers of *cough* skin. 

****

Zell: MUHAHAHAHAHA!! I am Zell the invincible! He cast Aura on himself and used his limit break. Hiya!!! he delivered a flurry of kicks and punches 

__

Then he finished it off with a Burning Rave, but he tripped, fell over and caused a huge earthquake, killing off the Grat. Everyone danced around. 

****

Selphie: WAY TO GO ZELL!!!! Selphie cheered. Zell? Er...Squall what's wrong with Zell? 

****

Squall: I think he knocked himself out. He pointed over to where Zell had been standing, but now was lying on his belly, struggling to breathe. I think we should get him to the Infirmary. 

****

Selphie: No way , I cannot carry Zell all the way across the Garden!

****

Squall: Come on. He's our friend. 

****

Selphie: No. I'm too delicate. 

****

Squall: Whatever.

****

Selphie: What!? I am!!! 

****

Squall: Yeah right! 

****

Selphie: I am too! I am as delicate as a flower!

****

Squall: Are not.

****

Selphie: Am too!

****

Squall: Are not.

****

Selphie: Am too! Am too! Am too! Am too! Am too! Am too! AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

****

Squall: Fine, Fine, Fine!! I'll carry him myself!!! Just promise not to blow my ear drums out.

****

Selphie: Teehee!

****

Squall: Ugh! I can't lift him. 

****

Selphie: Don't look at me, I'm delicate remember.

****

Squall: Damn you… Again he attempted to lift the benumbed pile of flesh formally known as Zell. AHHHHHH!!!!!! My back!!!!! Squall fell onto the training center floor in pain. Help…me!!! 

****

Selphie: Ugh…I don't get enough credit around here. She drew a few curagas from Squall and cast them on him. 

****

Squall: Thanks Selph! You're the bestest friend…. he was interrupted by Selphie

****

Selphie: What did you say?"

****

Squall: Jeez, your mind is always playing tricks on you, he…he… sweatdrop Er…nothing.

****

Selphie: Whatever…now how are we going to move this big chunk of stuff. 

__

Squall cast Float on Zell.

****

Squall: Does that work?

****

Selphie: No, now all we have is a fat guy floating in mid air! 

****

Squall: Er…how about this? He cast Esuna on him. 

****

Selphie: Esuna what in the hell are you thinking? 

****

Squall: Er…obesity is a status effect? 

****

Selphie: How can a guy like you turn out to be so STUPID!!!!

****

Squall: I dunno… 

__

For the next few hours, the two friends tried everything they could think of to try to move Zell. They tried: zapping him with thundaga, burning him with fira, hitting him with meteors, and even summoning a GF to help carry him, only succeeding in severely injuring him. After it all, Zell was still some unconscious fat guy lying on the training center ground, but now he was burnt, electrocuted and all that good stuff.

****

Selphie: What are we going to do now! Selphie fell onto her bottom in frustration. Zell's still out cold. She poked Zell with a stick, he still didn't stir. Look at him, he's just lying there, struggling to breathe… 

****

Squall: Lets do the sensible thing and ask for hel… 

__

Again, Squall was interrupted. 

****

Squall: Why don't you people just let me finish my freakin' sentences!!

****

Strange voice: Did someone say 'HELP'? 

****

Selphie and Squall: Who are you?! Both of them pulled out their weapons.

__

Rinoa popped out from behind a bush. Apparently she had gone insane. She had a bed sheet tied around her neck and Angelo by her side. She stood in a valiant pose, looking up at the sky. 

****

Squall: Oh, its just Rinoa. Rinoa why are you dressed like that? He looked at his watch. Its way pass your naptime.

****

Rinoa: No, no, no. Not Rinoa! My name is Super Duper Girl. Defender of the weak, Helper to the Help needy, good Samaritan to the people like you, people who need good Samaritans. Chick Chicka KABOOM!!! Faster than lightning, slower than a one-legged tortoise, smarter than a Turkey!!! My name is Super Duper Girl and I'm here to help you! Fear not, Super Duper Girl is here!

****

Selphie: Oh god Rinoa….sweatdrop.

****

Rinoa: I am here to help you.

****

Selphie: And how are you gonna do that? 

****

Rinoa: Plain and simple, I will call upon my sidekick.

****

Selphie: Sidekick?

****

Rinoa: Yes, my very own sidekick, Empire State Building Boy!

****

Selphie: Empire State Building Boy?

****

Rinoa: Yes, Empire State Building Boy. Rinoa pulled out an Oscar Meyer Weenie whistle and blew into it. Empire State Building Boy! I call upon you! 

__

The ground began to shake a little as a figure appeared in the dark shadows of the training center. It was Hubert. He had a Band-Aid on his nose.

Selphie (to herself): Eep! Please don't remember me, PLEASE! Don't remember me! 

****

Hubert: You called upon me oh great Super Duper Girl?

****

Rinoa: Yes Empire State Building Boy! Move this mound of flesh to the Infirmary!!!!

****

Squall (mumbling): Get me away from this insanity. 

__

Hubert effortlessly picked up Zell and carried him to the Infirmary. Everyone stared at the group as they walked behind Hubert. Especially Rinoa for she wore a bed sheet cape and walked with her chest out very robustly. They finally reached the end of their humiliating death walk. _Dr.Kadowaki immediately tended to the ailing Zell._

****

Rinoa: Thank you Empire State Building Boy! You may go back to your bat cave.

****

Hubert: Yes, Super Duper Girl! Hubert ran off out of the Infirmary.

****

Rinoa: Fare thee well, may the force be with you. She leaves the Infirmary

****

Dr. Kadowaki: Okay, that Rinoa needs some help. Dr. Kadowaki said as she looked at the poor unconscious Zell. Are you sure this is Zell? When did Zell get so fat?" 

****

Squall: He cleared his throat. It's a long stor….

****

Selphie (interrupting): He ate a whole ton of hot dogs all in one night!

****

Squall: Dammit Selphie!!! Why don't you let me finish?!

****

Selphie: Cause you talk too slow that's why!

****

Squall: *grumble grumble*

****

Zell: Huh? Where am I? Zell was finally revived. 

****

Selphie: Zelly!!! Are you alright! Selphie ran to Zell's side. You were knocked out for so long!! I tried to carry you all by myself to the Infirmary, but I was too weak. 

****

Squall: Grrrr….

****

Zell: Oh that's okay, why am all burned?

****

Selphie: he…he (^____^) sweatdrop Uh nothing…But the important thing is that you're okay.

****

Zell: Er…I guess.

__

Zell began to cry.

****

Selphie: What's wrong, Zell?

****

Zell: Look me! I'm a big pile of blubber!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! 

****

Selphie: Zell don't cry! Being fat isn't wrong.

****

Zell: But I'm not fat!!!!!! I'm ENORMOUS!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

****

Squall: You're not enormous…just er…big.

****

Zell: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

****

Selphie (sarcastically): Thanks Squall that helped a lot!

****

Squall: Can't say I didn't try…

****

Selphie: Grrr…

****

Zell: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

****

Selphie: Stop crying Zell, I know exactly what you need!

****

Zell: *sniffle* What's that?

****

Selphie: A personal trainer! And what a better person to be your personal trainer than me!!! ^.^V

****

Squall: sweatdrop


End file.
